And, for much of the last 30 years it took a back seat to other, more pressing “life” tasks. But I have returned to it now, and I wish I would have made more time for it.
Learning a new piece takes concentration that pushes all the stress out of the way. And I have found a way for music to help build community which we also desperately need to do now.
I highly recommend it. There is joy to be had even against the background of chaos.
An opportunity perhaps to find some new musical friends? When we moved to Nova Scotia 18 months ago the only person we knew was our realtor. Now we are connected to about 20 people through music. What I find interesting is that at least half of our fiddle group picked up the instrument in the last 5 years!
I was in a similar place as you. I started small, not aiming for happiness or joy. Before bed I would write out 3 things that happened or was simply part of my life that I felt grateful for. Took a few minutes to explore what it was about it that had me choosing it. In the mornings before leaving my bed I’d choose one thing I appreciated. Simple things. Sun through the window, my dog’s happy nudges, my furry slippers, anticipation of a cup of hot tea. Just small, simple pieces of my life that over time as I named them I grew to really notice the life around me. It grew into contentment over time and then fostered happy moments.
I’ll settle for a steady background level of contentment and the occasional spark of joy. Lately I’ve been taking note of those sparks and deliberately making space for them - the most reliable sources for me are early morning walks, and noodling around on a ukulele in the evening.
I recommend the DOSE approach (dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, endorphins) to play around and see what makes you feel good.
I'm almost ashamed to admit how much i relate to this set of thoughts. My counselor told me to seek what gives me joy. I'm not sure joy is what I need right now.
I think I need a world, or maybe just a friend, who is not numb to the inherent delights of the world. We have made our world, our systems, in our own image. And the reflection is terrifying...
I like your writing. Sorry I can't donate currently, but I start a new job next month and I plan to. I've also become someone who finds solace in my mortality. Nietzsche said the concept of "purpose" is lacking, and I agree. I grow food because it's challenging and interesting. I work to pay bills. I actually love puzzles, but almost never do them anymore because as you said, there's guilt felt "wasting" time... as if time can be hoarded or wasted.
Thank you for providing entertainment and perspective. It isn't "wasted" on me. 👍
I remember the day I realized that I no longer remembered how to have fun. Even when I was at social gatherings that should have been fun, I was checking my email from work, and worrying about upcoming family obligations and schedules. Then suddenly, I was divorced, the kids went to college and my job was eliminated. I felt so untethered. One evening I sat down and wrote a list of the things I loved as a child - exploring the woods, catching tadpoles and watching them grow into frogs, then releasing them, making art, baking, swimming, growing things. That list lead me to a pre-retirement job at a nature sanctuary, and years of taking classes and learning in all these areas of interest. Now I can happily spend a day hiking, with art supplies or without, and thinking about natural plant communities, or bird nest variations, or in any direction that my thoughts take me. I can dig in the dirt and experiment with structure and color wheels. I can get acquainted with local farmers and learn to prepare new veggies. I can swim in pools or lakes. It took thought and effort, but has been so rewarding. I say I reverse engineered my life.
I guess my first thoughtis is joy different than fun?
I enjoy taking my dogs to the dog park and watching all the canine interactions. The different types of play, the different ages. So much like humans. I’m an observer, not a participant. Am I having fun or experiencing joy at the play I’m observing?
I’m definitely having fun when I dance at weddings. Complete abandon. I will admit to a bit of alcohol to fuel the disinhibition. However, as I age, my joints hurt the next day from all the wild movement, but it’s still worth it. And, no, I don’t think I’m a good dancer, just enthusiastic.
Swimming on my back in mountain lakes is still fun. I don’t get to do it often, but I use the memory of the experience to make me smile and remember how fun and relaxing it was.
I’ve noticed lately, that society tries to define fun for us, and it usually requires spending money: cruises, travel, expensive rvs so one can get away, catering rich parties, expensive concerts, (I can no longer afford concert tickets), expensive plays. So if you can’t afford all these “fun activities and events, you’re probably not having fun according to mainstream values. For me in the income bracket in which I fall, fun has to be inexpensive and fairly local.
I call it Magic Dog Park Land. It IS magical to be around all the different dogs and watch the interactions and get to know them and their different personalities. There’s so much joy in seeing dogs living their best lives and having fun. I enjoy most of the humans, too.
I love going there almost every morning with my pup. I could “waste” so much time there but eventually it’s “back to the real world.”
this essay reminds of the joy i've watched other people have. even as i type this, there's a woman in her 70s meeting with my boss who is chatting and laughing even though she has to pay an enormous sum of money to the gov't. i remember bartending in a working class pub in london and all the old posties come in on fridays and end up singing old irish songs 2 rounds in. they even held hands. even back when i was a xian, the rituals surrounding the church brought a greater purpose. we had our solemn times almost always followed by a joyful meal and socializing and play.
and i think a lot about play, too. i recently picked up a few puzzles at the thrift, and while it's not play per se, it was something i enjoyed doing as a kid. i want to get back to where i was before life wore me down. when the world was full of possibilities and new places and people held excitement and not dread. my curiosity is absent because that takes time and energy. i don't have a corporate job, but my life is still screens and freeways and striving.
FWIW We have found the recent rise of the WNBA’s fortunes, and that of the PWHL have reinvigorated our appreciation for watching sport: these women are strong, brave, tough, and passionate, and they have had to play for love of the game more than money unlike their male (and recent collegiate NIL) counterparts.
Yes Sarah, you have every right to be happy. I am retired and in my 70s. My biggest achievement is to feel contented when I’m not worrying about the macro. My wife feels the same way. We do at times look at each other and say “that was great”. From this comes happiness, mainly because we are sharing!
Awakening to a deeper inner nature, beneath (within) and beyond this one, is liberating. We can do this. I’m collapse accepting, I know my teenage daughters will have decreasing quality of life, and I know it’s too late to turn the ship around. Happiness can also be timeless and free of the devastating concerns of this unfolding tragedy.
I’ve admired your writing for some time; perhaps you’d like to try some of mine? It deals directly with the issue of meaning in a time when the collective myth is disintegrating around our ears (while I might not have pitched that phrasing upfront now that I think of it!).
The Declaration of Independence seemingly validates our “pursuit of happiness,” and our economy sets prices for the attainment of that. But is that “happiness” we are permitted to pursue the same as near-giddiness?
A cogent argument can be made that “the pursuit of happiness” has in view the kind that some classical authors espoused, as in Solon’s maxim, “Call no man happy until he is dead.” Herodotus reports that Solon addressed those words to the legendary Croesus, who had asked who was the happiest man in the world (a rhetorical question. The Greek word ευδαιμονία was not about giddiness but rather good fortune or luck. Accordingly, the “pursuit of happiness” the Declaration promotes is working to find success in one’s endeavors, however one defines that.
This doesn’t disallow finding things that give us joy, but it does suggest that the idea of expecting incessant joy is an errant notion and not an ideal bequeathed by our founding generation.
I‘m very familiar with this dilemma too. I can effectively meet the world where it is much of the time and am a work horse, but fun isn’t to be found there. Having achieved some happiness, I’ve seen:
- happiness is as light as helium. It doesn’t stay for very long. It’s not meant to. It’s not a state of being.
- our collective stories about happiness are bullshit, like second grader stories about adulthood.
- productivity is the inverse of happiness, and can become it‘s enemy.
- I‘ve experienced delight and joy mostly when I’m doing something grown ups consider stupid, silly, frivolous and unproductive. It rarely involves paying money.
Save the list of fun things and mentally play with a list of odd events. Have you tried doing a cartwheel lately? Or talked like a pirate in the grocery store? Experiencing the effervescence of happy moments for me has involved risk, but of a completely different variety than that my adulthood has trained me.
Music has saved my life many times.
And, for much of the last 30 years it took a back seat to other, more pressing “life” tasks. But I have returned to it now, and I wish I would have made more time for it.
Learning a new piece takes concentration that pushes all the stress out of the way. And I have found a way for music to help build community which we also desperately need to do now.
I highly recommend it. There is joy to be had even against the background of chaos.
https://dougflet.substack.com/p/fiddles-strings-and-friends
Music was a big part of my life growing up…and then not. It fizzled as the community around me went separate ways.
An opportunity perhaps to find some new musical friends? When we moved to Nova Scotia 18 months ago the only person we knew was our realtor. Now we are connected to about 20 people through music. What I find interesting is that at least half of our fiddle group picked up the instrument in the last 5 years!
I was in a similar place as you. I started small, not aiming for happiness or joy. Before bed I would write out 3 things that happened or was simply part of my life that I felt grateful for. Took a few minutes to explore what it was about it that had me choosing it. In the mornings before leaving my bed I’d choose one thing I appreciated. Simple things. Sun through the window, my dog’s happy nudges, my furry slippers, anticipation of a cup of hot tea. Just small, simple pieces of my life that over time as I named them I grew to really notice the life around me. It grew into contentment over time and then fostered happy moments.
That's a great idea
I’ll settle for a steady background level of contentment and the occasional spark of joy. Lately I’ve been taking note of those sparks and deliberately making space for them - the most reliable sources for me are early morning walks, and noodling around on a ukulele in the evening.
I recommend the DOSE approach (dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, endorphins) to play around and see what makes you feel good.
I'm almost ashamed to admit how much i relate to this set of thoughts. My counselor told me to seek what gives me joy. I'm not sure joy is what I need right now.
I think I need a world, or maybe just a friend, who is not numb to the inherent delights of the world. We have made our world, our systems, in our own image. And the reflection is terrifying...
I like your writing. Sorry I can't donate currently, but I start a new job next month and I plan to. I've also become someone who finds solace in my mortality. Nietzsche said the concept of "purpose" is lacking, and I agree. I grow food because it's challenging and interesting. I work to pay bills. I actually love puzzles, but almost never do them anymore because as you said, there's guilt felt "wasting" time... as if time can be hoarded or wasted.
Thank you for providing entertainment and perspective. It isn't "wasted" on me. 👍
I remember the day I realized that I no longer remembered how to have fun. Even when I was at social gatherings that should have been fun, I was checking my email from work, and worrying about upcoming family obligations and schedules. Then suddenly, I was divorced, the kids went to college and my job was eliminated. I felt so untethered. One evening I sat down and wrote a list of the things I loved as a child - exploring the woods, catching tadpoles and watching them grow into frogs, then releasing them, making art, baking, swimming, growing things. That list lead me to a pre-retirement job at a nature sanctuary, and years of taking classes and learning in all these areas of interest. Now I can happily spend a day hiking, with art supplies or without, and thinking about natural plant communities, or bird nest variations, or in any direction that my thoughts take me. I can dig in the dirt and experiment with structure and color wheels. I can get acquainted with local farmers and learn to prepare new veggies. I can swim in pools or lakes. It took thought and effort, but has been so rewarding. I say I reverse engineered my life.
And I forgot reading - preferably outside, in the woods.
I guess my first thoughtis is joy different than fun?
I enjoy taking my dogs to the dog park and watching all the canine interactions. The different types of play, the different ages. So much like humans. I’m an observer, not a participant. Am I having fun or experiencing joy at the play I’m observing?
I’m definitely having fun when I dance at weddings. Complete abandon. I will admit to a bit of alcohol to fuel the disinhibition. However, as I age, my joints hurt the next day from all the wild movement, but it’s still worth it. And, no, I don’t think I’m a good dancer, just enthusiastic.
Swimming on my back in mountain lakes is still fun. I don’t get to do it often, but I use the memory of the experience to make me smile and remember how fun and relaxing it was.
I’ve noticed lately, that society tries to define fun for us, and it usually requires spending money: cruises, travel, expensive rvs so one can get away, catering rich parties, expensive concerts, (I can no longer afford concert tickets), expensive plays. So if you can’t afford all these “fun activities and events, you’re probably not having fun according to mainstream values. For me in the income bracket in which I fall, fun has to be inexpensive and fairly local.
I call it Magic Dog Park Land. It IS magical to be around all the different dogs and watch the interactions and get to know them and their different personalities. There’s so much joy in seeing dogs living their best lives and having fun. I enjoy most of the humans, too.
I love going there almost every morning with my pup. I could “waste” so much time there but eventually it’s “back to the real world.”
this essay reminds of the joy i've watched other people have. even as i type this, there's a woman in her 70s meeting with my boss who is chatting and laughing even though she has to pay an enormous sum of money to the gov't. i remember bartending in a working class pub in london and all the old posties come in on fridays and end up singing old irish songs 2 rounds in. they even held hands. even back when i was a xian, the rituals surrounding the church brought a greater purpose. we had our solemn times almost always followed by a joyful meal and socializing and play.
and i think a lot about play, too. i recently picked up a few puzzles at the thrift, and while it's not play per se, it was something i enjoyed doing as a kid. i want to get back to where i was before life wore me down. when the world was full of possibilities and new places and people held excitement and not dread. my curiosity is absent because that takes time and energy. i don't have a corporate job, but my life is still screens and freeways and striving.
I have some flowers in with my vegetables & I read fiction from the library. Fun is just tuning out for a bit. I hope you can sometime.
FWIW We have found the recent rise of the WNBA’s fortunes, and that of the PWHL have reinvigorated our appreciation for watching sport: these women are strong, brave, tough, and passionate, and they have had to play for love of the game more than money unlike their male (and recent collegiate NIL) counterparts.
Felicitations La Victoire 🎉
And this moment sums it up 😻
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYlTNwmMOL2/
On top of the world with the love of your life 🥹🥹
Yes Sarah, you have every right to be happy. I am retired and in my 70s. My biggest achievement is to feel contented when I’m not worrying about the macro. My wife feels the same way. We do at times look at each other and say “that was great”. From this comes happiness, mainly because we are sharing!
Beautiful and extremely relatable.
You are not alone - i feel the same.
Awakening to a deeper inner nature, beneath (within) and beyond this one, is liberating. We can do this. I’m collapse accepting, I know my teenage daughters will have decreasing quality of life, and I know it’s too late to turn the ship around. Happiness can also be timeless and free of the devastating concerns of this unfolding tragedy.
I’ve admired your writing for some time; perhaps you’d like to try some of mine? It deals directly with the issue of meaning in a time when the collective myth is disintegrating around our ears (while I might not have pitched that phrasing upfront now that I think of it!).
Kind regards, Geoff
The Declaration of Independence seemingly validates our “pursuit of happiness,” and our economy sets prices for the attainment of that. But is that “happiness” we are permitted to pursue the same as near-giddiness?
A cogent argument can be made that “the pursuit of happiness” has in view the kind that some classical authors espoused, as in Solon’s maxim, “Call no man happy until he is dead.” Herodotus reports that Solon addressed those words to the legendary Croesus, who had asked who was the happiest man in the world (a rhetorical question. The Greek word ευδαιμονία was not about giddiness but rather good fortune or luck. Accordingly, the “pursuit of happiness” the Declaration promotes is working to find success in one’s endeavors, however one defines that.
This doesn’t disallow finding things that give us joy, but it does suggest that the idea of expecting incessant joy is an errant notion and not an ideal bequeathed by our founding generation.
I‘m very familiar with this dilemma too. I can effectively meet the world where it is much of the time and am a work horse, but fun isn’t to be found there. Having achieved some happiness, I’ve seen:
- happiness is as light as helium. It doesn’t stay for very long. It’s not meant to. It’s not a state of being.
- our collective stories about happiness are bullshit, like second grader stories about adulthood.
- productivity is the inverse of happiness, and can become it‘s enemy.
- I‘ve experienced delight and joy mostly when I’m doing something grown ups consider stupid, silly, frivolous and unproductive. It rarely involves paying money.
Save the list of fun things and mentally play with a list of odd events. Have you tried doing a cartwheel lately? Or talked like a pirate in the grocery store? Experiencing the effervescence of happy moments for me has involved risk, but of a completely different variety than that my adulthood has trained me.
I look too deeply and am quite saddened by what I see. Im an artist. I have an aching soul.